| Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 03:34 pm New Place |
|---|
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: Boy Hits Car
I've found myself another place to write. This is good. Too many people were able to see what I was writing before. Not that it should be any different now, but the likelihood of anyone just stumbling upon this is at least smaller. This si the last update in my old journal.
hey there kids. have you ever felt like you just didnt belong anywhere? well, it's ok to feel that way. no one feels like they belong anywhere and when they do, all they want is out. I guess all anyone ever wants is someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and laugh and cry with you. Someone who wont judge them for who they are or what they've done, but love them for it, all of it. I know I wont find anyone like that. I know I wont find my prince charming. Maybe I dont want to right now. Maybe what I need is another wrong one, and maybe another one after that. So I can continue on my path of misery and loneliness and hopefully one day reach a state of contentment with myself. There are days that I just dont want to get out of bed anymore, but lately that's been everyday. I havent wanted to get up for a long time. I know people care and Im glad for that, but I also know that Im ultimately alone, and that's a terribly sad thought. Im so angry and frustrated. I want to get through this alone. It's so much easier without anyone else to judge me and tell me what they want me to hear. Im terrified of girls because they just scare me, but Im terrified of guys because they have motives, and it's not fair. I dont want guys to like me. I just want them to be my friend and to help me out to find out whats best for me, not them. I want whats best for me. I just dont know how Im going to find it. I thought I had it, but now I know how wrong I was. I wanted so much to believe it that for years I didnt listen to myself. I did whatever I could to make it easier and better, but it never changed, and it was never going to. The song and danced can be done for only so long until appeasement is reached and then the terrible cycle begins all over again.
Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
His magical myth
As strong as with I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Damn. Im still angry. and upset. and tired. I need to move on. I dont want to hurt anyone, but I need to help myself, not anyone right now. Im better off alone anyway. |
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